understood

Hypothesis: What if the fundamental basis for romantic relationships wasn't connection - rather it's about the ability to create a mutually accommodating shared experience?

Observation: One of the premises we absorb from culture is that a healthy relationship is one in which two people are on the same page and growing together / in the same direction. It is occasionally tenable ... but only in the short term. Or perhaps a contrived medium term. I believe the problem is the definition of either "same" or "page". And it's compounded if you use the feedback about being on the same page as evidence your relationship is doing well.

Observation: I believe the core lie is that the solution is communication. It's not that talking is bad - it's that talking doesn't usually solve things. Worse, if you talk through things with the goal of being understood, then you wind up with two people on the same page who aren't growing in the same direction - because getting there wasn't about growing together or sharing together: it was about understanding one another.

Observation: I think this is compounded by the fact most of us don't really know ourselves and barely know others. And yet we CRAVE being understood. And so we can easily base how we think or feel our relationships are going based upon whether we are understood instead of whether we are fed or if we feed others.

Mitigation: So, what can you do?

* Recognize that you and your partner are not the same. It's true for two men and two women. It's even more true for a man and a woman.

* Afford your partner what they require.  Generally, men need and deserve respect without having to earn it; women need and deserve love without having to earn it. Whichever you feel should be afforded to you will often showcase which of these camps you fit.

Note: in this context, love would mean "kindness", "grace", and/or "forgiveness".

Execution:

Learn what your partner needs and deserves without earning it - and give it freely and regularly. Remember: they don't need to earn it.

If you must measure relationship success, err on the side of genuine selfless expression of their need. The core goal is NOT to be understood. Rather, it is to be an earnest, emotionally-available safe haven for one another.

When you do it right, the talking should happen by itself.